SECRETIA COLLINS Born Norma Jean Bakersfield in a trailer park just two doors down from HIllary Swank and behind a meth lab once-frequented by Rev. Ted Haggard's gay hooker. Barely out of diapers, Ms. Collins was given the nickname of "Secretia" because her mother said that she was just so full of it she oozed and left a stain wherever she landed. Little Secretia spent hours watching TV, but quickly realized that strong role models of the international sensation persuasion were sorely lacking on the small screen -- there were none -- so she set out to Hollywood to change that and make a difference. Instead, she followed the way of most beauty queens and carved out a career in the niche market of fetish porn where she starred in such XXX Differently-Abled Porn classics as "Hope Floats... Because She's a Hot Paraplegic", "The Shaky Hand of Dr. Parkinson's" and "Down Syndrome Gangbang III".
In the mid-80's, Secretia was artificially inseminated by a mad scientist, Dr. Moore, with genetically altered sperm or D.N.A. (or "Dan" for short). Torn between two lovers, Secretia found herself caught in a love triangle with "Dan" and nefarious Dr. Moore until Dr. Moore was convicted on one count of "world domination by turning every man, woman and child into lesbians with a lezzy ray without a permit" in the frist degree. Eight months later, Secretia Collins gave birth to a daughter named Cece or Christy Collins whom Secretia insists is retarded. See their semi-autobiographical film, "Succubus".
Her international sensationalism rose quickly, Secretia Collins became a Rockette, a plus-size model, a movie star, a Vegas showgirl, a singer, a dancer, a former wrestler from G.L.O.W., a pin-up, a stuntwoman, a self-published author, an escapee from Scientology, a pill-popping, booze-hound, a Hooter's girl, and she still wears the same dress size as Eva Longoria-Parker.
With the launch of SecretiaTV, an online reality TV series, Secretia Collins now has her eyes set on a new title, "The Queen of Cable Access". In her new e-series, Secretia stars, writes, directs and produces her show in a trailer just three doors up from Ann Coulter -- oops, Mann Coulter -- and broadcasts on the worldwide web. "For those of you not in the know, that's double-u, double-u, double-u, dot" - Secretia Collins.
"DAN" COLLINS At 10" tall, this mutated blob of genetically altered trannie sperm is a husband to Secretia Collins. His real name is DNA, but Secretia calls him "Dan" for short. He lives in their refrigerator and sometimes co-hosts SecretiaTV. After meeting at the end of a turkey baster in a mad scientist's back alley laboratory, it was love at first sight.
Dan frequently escapes into the unwitting panties of various trailer park sluts where he continues to father many bastard babies. His philandering keeps the format of the show mobile since Secretia-Dan are always on the run from paternity suits, child support and DNA tests from The Maury Povitch Show.
MUFF & SNATCH Two of the most outspoken, feminist leaders of our generation, this pair of honey-pots do not have time to pussyfoot around with niceties. Straight from the SecretiaTV vault, the pair appeared in a children's puppet show first shown on TV in the 1930's. Growing up in Beaver Falls from opposite sides of the gash, their friendship blossomed at a local "watering" hole while sipping Pink Canoes. Hot Topics for these soggy boxes include: the "Art of the Queef", the "Pitfalls of Reproduction", and "Pubic Hair-Dos and Don'ts". Tune-in for their View. (APPEARING SOON!)
DR. GOTTADOUCHE MOORE This is the mad scientist and on-again/off-again scissoring partner of international sensation, Secretia Collins, who is currently serving five consecutive life sentences in a federal penitentiary for world domination by attempting to turn every man, woman and child into lesbians with an unlicensed "lezzy" ray gun without a permit. During Sweeps on SecretiaTV, look for likely guest appearances from Dr. Moore in the form of prison breaks, conjugal visits or even possibly parole.
Adobe Flash Player not installed or older than 9.0.115!
